Rector’s Conference
October 8, 2017
Very Rev. Denis Robinson, OSB
In
the life of every priest there is a catalogue, a litany of sinners and saints.
Here
are a few of mine.
Winnie
was an elderly lady in my first parish assignment. She was probably in her
eighties. She worked in the sacristy. She seldom said a word. She worked,
cleaning candlesticks. She never stopped working, she never sought any praise.
She didn’t seem to need it. She always seemed to be working something out. She
was always there. I suspect that even though she died a few years ago that her
spirit is still hovering over that sacristy.
Clare
was a business woman, a very sharp woman. She had the world by the tail and she
knew how to swing it. People looked up to her. They trusted her. She had it
all, including alcohol addiction, undetected and undiagnosed until she died of
liver failure at the age of 60.
Ben
was a man of the Church, one of those men who heads the men’s group, who opens
the doors, who fixes things, who carries other people’s burdens, who makes
donations anonymously. And Ben, a very good father had a secret child for whom
he cared. He was a good father to this little one too, but many saw him as a sinner.
I saw him as one of us.
Ann
was another sharp lady. She carried herself well. She contributed to the life
of the parish. She was a good Catholic, until one day she just stepped out into
the middle of Union Avenue into oncoming traffic. She did it on purpose. Those
who saw it knew it was on purpose. No one knows why.
Terry was
a man of substance. He was important in local politics. His name was always in
the newspaper. He was a good Catholic, church going, raising his children in
the faith. One day he walked into my office and told me he was also a closeted
homosexual who was tired of living a lie. I never saw him again.
The
catalogue goes on, as all of us through the years acquire a litany of sinners
and saints those we have been privileged to know.
Often
when I am sitting in a confessional in a weekend parish I will notice the
parish directory.
Sometimes
several generations of parish directories reveal how the folks of that place
have changed through the years:
Hairstyles
change, clothing styles change.
Who
has disappeared?
Who
has moved?
Who
has lost someone in the picture?
Those
directories are catalogues, litanies if you will, of loss and change but also
growth living into the mystery of the paschal Christ .
They are catalogues, litanies of conversion.
In my conferences this semester I am
looking at the vows of the Benedictine monk, particularly as they relate to the
diocesan priesthood.
Last month I spoke about the
importance of stability, hopefully highlighting its centrality to the charism
of what we try to achieve here, what we try to achieve here for you and for us.
In
tonight’s conference we are looking at another unique charism, the vow of
conversion.
What
does it mean to take a vow of conversion to define one’s life by change?
What
does it mean to do that in the context of the vow of stability, of living in
one place over a long period of time?
I
would say the relationship is something like this:
Stability
is the condition of conversation but what is conversion of life?
That
is, indeed, the question
I
think I know what it is not. It is not sensational. It is not flashy. It is not
riotous. Conversion requires patience and it requires the ability to see things
beyond the superficiality of the moment.
It
is more, so much more than a perpetual courting of the stridently ephemeral and
the slickly controversial.
This is something that we must mark
carefully in the life of the Church, a life over which all of us will one day
have a presiding role.
I
am thinking about those of us who write blog posts.
People
who long to pedal influence they have no right to pedal in the name of a
non-existent church should be on guard. Leading people into schism and leading
people into heresy corrupts not only the souls of often innocent readers, it
corrupts the soul of the writers of controversy.
Following
the lead of pastors who lack credibility is hazardous. Follow the lead of
authentic servants of God, those servants who know only one True Thing: Jesus
Christ and him crucified.
No
priest is perfect, we know that, but most are striving for perfection.
Knowing
the Truth and getting fully to that Truth is the core of conversion.
Conversion to the Truth is a
conversion to docility.
Conversion to the Truth is conversion
of the ideal of being a part of something, perhaps something broken or not
fully known, but something other prophecy in its most corrupted form.
Conversion to the Truth is a
conversion to the deepest part of me, to myself at the root, to my secrets and
my sins.
Conversion to the Truth is laying
bare who I am because I have the need to do it certainly, but the freedom to do
it, absolutely. I have won that freedom in the maelstrom of discipleship.
Conversion
in our context is a conversion to love.
It
is conversion to the man Jesus Christ..
It
is a conversion to intimacy with Jesus Christ.
Conversion
to love has a face.
It
is thorn-pierced and wrapped in the brow like so much shrapnel from the warfare
of life.
It
is spat upon by misunderstanding in this world, drenched in the spittle of
racism, sexism, phobias of every kind.
It
is slapped to a deep redness, the redness of embarrassment at finding myself
exposed
It
is cursed at
It
is maimed
It
is disfigured
It
is injured
It
is longing
It
is wrenched by finitude
It
is pure beauty
What
does it mean to organize our lives along these essential truths?
What
does it mean to find meaning in our lives, not in social events and games, not
in banal activities that ultimately do not propel us down that road to being
the pure evangelists for the Gospel that each one, by our vocations, necessarily?
We
have one task only in life and it is not to entertain ourselves.
Our task in
life is to see the face of Christ and to seek it exclusively and relentlessly.
This
is not a mystery beyond comprehension. I can see the face of Christ and I can
see it everywhere, every time I look out from this pulpit.
I
can see it in your faces, faces sometimes filled with doubt, often consumed by
pain, but turned resolutely toward our Lord, shining out for us in the glory of
this Blessed Sacrament, regarding us from the beauty of the Cross.
Conversion
is finding the face of Christ in you. That is my conversion. That
is my vow of conversatio, to live my life in the relentless pursuit of the face
of Christ in you.
Your
conversion is finding the face of Christ in me and all of the others, in all of
us.
Look
at my face
Look
past the lines and the creases
Look
past fear
Look
past concern
What
do you see in my face?
I
am sure it is the same as what I see in yours.
Sin
Bigotry
Deceitfulness
Misconduct
An
occasional inability to live God
A
ceaseless striving after vanity
And
charity
Excellence
Goodness
Kindness
Concern for others
Virtue
And the ability to bear something, to
bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. Brothers we are
far past thinking of the priesthood as merely a casual activity for Sunday
morning, one that can be easily cast away when there is something more pressing
on the carotid arteries of our desire.
Brothers there is only one thing for
us, an intentional and a total conversion to Christ and the full realization
that nothing else makes any difference and when we can mark that, when we can
start to show that, we are on the road to salvation.
Conversion is also something else
There
is something else
And
something more
Something
more rare …
Yearning
Yearning
Conversion
is that yearning.
The
ignorant of the world say that we celibate men are denied love.
It
is quite the opposite. Love is what we seek above all things. We long for love.
We long to be filled with love. We desire above all things to be consumed by love,
eaten away by love, torn apart by love.
This
is our conversion and it is hard for us to say, hard for us to realize, as men
I mean.
It
is hard enough in family life and it is very hard in the priesthood because
somehow we feel that the conversion to pure love is a weakness, a non-masculine
emotive life that somehow does not suit our being men.
We
think that the consummation of God’s love is not in keeping with the distance
needed to be a real man.
But here is what I know about real
men.
A
real man is one not afraid to fall and not afraid to cry. Not afraid to be
vulnerable, not afraid to be sober, not afraid to be lighthearted, not afraid
to be open hearted not afraid to be IN
CONVERSION, IN THE PROCESS OF COMING TO BE, and IN THE ABYSS OF COMING TO BE.
We
understand that the Truth of our masculinity lies as much in brokenness as in
strength.
We know that the Truth of our masculinity sometimes edges away from
what a false and cold culture wishes to heap upon it.
Conversion
is to know in the depths who we are and when we know in our depths who we are
then we can turn toward glory.
Do we have that strength in this
community? I think so
Can
we in our conversion, in our celibacy long solely for God?
Truly
long for God?
A
longing that makes me cry for joy into my pillow at night?
Can
I live intensely for everyone and not the certain ones?
Can
my intense love for God only be relieved, only be realized by giving away my
body and giving away my soul to all of you?
And
that in adversity as well as joy?
Conversion
is striving after God, searching for him in un-known rooms, seeking him out in
the very halls of our personal hell.
I
think that is the key.
To
whom do I wish to give myself?
You
are this and you are that
You
are maimed and unable reach out
You
are wounded by folks in your past
We
are all of us, we are all that.
We
are … busted.
And you know what?
That
is not only fine with me, that is my hearts blood.
All
of this doesn't happen overnight it never completely happens except for the
saints. We are not yet saints but O my God we strive for it
In
that striving for conversion, that heartache for beatitude, we become who we
are called to be.
And
brothers it is our salvation. I cannot deny my undying love for each one here
without denying that I have a soul. That God exists that there is hope not only
in the world but in the cosmos for you and for me. For you and for me.
In
conversion we remember that voice of the Lord calling to us calling for you and
for me.
And,
to me, that voice sounds like you. It looks like you.
In
conversion it looks like you
It
looks like Winnie
It
looks like Clare
It
looks like Ben
It
looks like Ann
It
looks like Terry
It
looks like us
That
conversion, that road I call the priesthood.